November 8 is a day that looms on the calendar as it approaches. When it arrives, I feel the weight of it. Even if I choose to ignore it, my body knows. Even if there are wonderful things on this day, the sadness is present below the surface, intermingling with the good, inviting me to remember, to pause, and to grieve.
Today marks 7 years since my mom died. On one hand, seven years feels like a lifetime. My “next to normal” consists of me living my life without my mom- not having her to talk to, to travel with, go to shows with, laugh with, to enjoy cooking with… And yet, on the other hand, it still seems like an impossibility that my life could function without my mom in it.
There are moments when my life feels somewhat normal again. And then there are moments when the grief feels so raw that I’m surprised by it. It begs the question: what does healing look like?
I often wonder if there’s something wrong with me that grief has indeed become my lifelong companion. Shouldn’t we have parted ways by now? It becomes easy to judge my grief journey. It looks different from the person next to me. It is radically different from expectations I had for myself. It often deviates from cultural norms I see surrounding grief. And yet it is my grief journey. It is different from the person next to me, it ignored my expectations and it doesn’t fit neatly into the often false notions about grief from society.
Grief has layers, unexpected triggers, different seasons. It is still a very present reality in my life.
Does this mean I haven’t healed? No.
What does it mean to “grieve well” and to heal? These are questions I continually ask myself. I have been trying to write my book about grief for a few years now, and I find myself continually hitting a wall, because I feel like I haven’t “mastered” grief. Therefore, how can I possibly be writing about it if it’s still present in my life and there are days that I still struggle?
Maybe that’s the thing I need to remind myself of. Grief is not something to be conquered. I don’t earn a degree at some point that tells me I’m an expert on grief. I’m human, therefore I grieve. I live, therefore I experience loss and pain. Grief has multiple layers and dimensions, therefore it will hit me at the most unexpected times. It’s not about having arrived at a certain point where I have moved past my grief and can “move on” with life. I can keep living life, expecting to experience and move through grief, but I suspect it will always be present on some level. Maybe mastery of grief is the ability to be honest with oneself and others as grief arises- to be able to pause and feel it and then to keep going. Maybe it’s not about crushing it, but rather figuring out how to live and continue living with it.
There are moments where this might feel discouraging. There are days when it seems overwhelming, because grieving is hard work. But it’s not the same every day, every month, or every year, and there is healing that has taken place and continues to take place. There are some days where I really need this reminder. When I look back over my lifetime, I see the ebb and flow of the seasons of grief, the days of differing intensity of grief, and my ability to continue choosing life in the face of grief- all of this is evidence of healing.
Maybe healing looks like continually choosing to engage life, even on the days when I don’t feel like it. Maybe it’s continuing to invest in relationships, even with the risk of loss. Maybe it’s delighting in children playing and joining into the silliness. Maybe it’s celebrating the little things and the big things, and taking time to remember those we have loved and lost. Grief and healing are in no way linear, and so they are hard to measure, and it is easy to judge ourselves along the way.
So, today I will grieve, because I miss my mom, and because November 8 always brings up a lot of hard and sad memories. But I will also celebrate the healing that has taken place, the growth I’ve experienced, how grief has shaped me, how my life is different because my mom was a part of it, and the memories and legacy that my mom left behind that live through me. In honour of my mom’s memory today, I will eat a really tasty meal, start decorating for Christmas and have a special time of remembering and celebrating with her beloved grandchildren.
So, here’s to this crazy back and forth, up and down, zig zag, myriad of emotions journey of grief. May we notice grief in the moments when it pops up, may we be gentle with ourselves and may we continue moving forward, continually choosing life on the hard days along with the easy days.